The Fushigi Yuugi Challenge

What is the Fushigi Yuugi Challenge, you ask? Why, it's when you point a dramatic finger at some of your guy-friends and dare them to watch Fushigi Yuugi, the mother of all Chick Anime, from beginning to end. If they can make it all the way through without trying to break in their DVD players, they are granted a 6-month supply of Pocky. If they can't... well, they're probably a twitching pile of goo anyway, so there's really nothing worse you could do to them. Now, behold!

The Suckers Challengers: Daren & Drew, two guy-friends notorious for their love of romantic comedies and/or shojo anime. They have no idea what they are getting into.

The Witnesses: Myself (Rihga) and Friends Alicia and Cara, who really just wanted a good excuse to watch FY again, since it's been a few years. The gang would periodically be joined by outsiders, such as a pair of Nathans and an Alex. They also had no idea what they were getting into.

The Scene: Rihga’s apartment basement, amid a pile of delivered Chinese food (as all anime should be watched) and dangerously high levels of estrogen.

Night One (1-13)

Night Two (14-22)

Night Three (23-31)

Night Four (32-42)

Night Five (43-52)

Final Night (The Oni OVAs)

Night One: Episodes 1-13

(Hotohori removes his box-hat and his hair falls smoothly all around his head)
RIHGA: "Geez, what kind of conditioner does he use to get his hair to do that?"
DAREN: "The blood of his enemies. Also Tiger penis. He uses it like a loofah."

MIAKA: (while having one of her random food dreams and listing off a variety of dishes) "...beefsteak with cream sauce!"
DAREN & DREW: ... *snicker*
Eyerolls ensue from the girls... though it did become an ongoing joke for the rest of the night.

We began discussing the nature of a Hotohori/Nuriko relationship.
DREW: "I dunno, I'm not really into yaoi stuff..."
RIHGA: "But they're pretty, like women."
DREW: "I'm not into lesbian stuff, either!"
RIHGA: "No, it's not like they're lesbians..."
ALICIA: "Because they're both still guys, but it's like they're looking at a woman."
DAREN: “Yeah. 1 1/2man1/2woman + 1 1/2man1/2woman = 1 man, 1 woman.”
Formula made.

(Miaka stabs herself with the glass to keep her Mirror-Self from hurting Tama & Hotohori)
DAREN: "Cut her out! Cut the bitch out of you!"

(When Miaka appears after killing her Mirror-Self, and Hotohori and Tama rush over to her and... I think it’s Hotohori who does it, but he sort of embraces her, except the animation makes it look like he's grabbing her boob. Which prompted this: )
TAMA: "Miaka!"
HOTOHORI: "Miaka!"
DAREN: "Quick, cop a feel before she's dead and it's weird!"

(After the boys dramatically cut themselves to "give Miaka their blood," and the blood splashes dramatically on her wound...)
ALICIA: "Great, now you've infected her. Good job, assholes."
DREW: "And you know at least one of them's got an STD."
ALICIA: "And Tamahome probably has some disease from being poor."
RIHGA: *chokes on a marshmallow*

(Hotohori corners Miaka in her room.)
DAREN: "I am going to mount you now. Do not be alarmed."

Night One Moral: Stay Away From Mirrors. Rewatch it if you don't believe me. Bad things always happen when there's a mirror involved.

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Night Two: Episodes 14-22
(Or: Tasuki’s entrance to the end of the Kodoku arc)

Summary Notes (for the sake of the newcomers)
ALICIA: "And then you meet Nakago--"
DAREN: "Who's a creeper."

ALICIA: "And you can tell Nakago is the villain because he's blonde and foreign."

ALICIA: "...And Miaka, in her infinite wisdom, decides to go to the enemy nation on her own."
RIHGA: "She's probably retarded."

ALICIA: "Just assume that everyone in this world wants to rape you."

The Viewing
(Tasuki shows Miaka the paper slips)
MIAKA: "Oh, the tricks from before!"
TASUKI: "They're not tricks! They're illusions!"
RIHGA: "Yeah, tricks are what a whore does for money."
(Because I just had to get an Arrested Development reference in there somewhere)

(As the Tamahome illusion proceeds to beat up the bandits... and Miaka is still being strangled by Eiken...)
DAREN: "This is all a cause of oxygen depravation."

(Tasuki tells them the old boss, "Tasuki," passed away)
RANDOM BANDIT: "I heard about someone a few villages over who can resurrect the dead."
DAREN: "Let's go find Jesus!"

(Tama misses Miaka, and imagines her devouring food)
ALICIA: "It says something about Tamahome that the thought of Miaka stuffing her face like a rabid animal turns him on."

(As they enter the town where Shouka lives, and a dead body in a cart goes by)
DAREN: "Plague victim!"
RIHGA: "This town is hooked on bubonics!"

(Miaka asks Shouka to come with them to resurrect "Tasuki")
SHOUKA: “I can't. I can't leave the people.”
DAREN: “Sure you can! It's called natural selection.”

(As the zombies in the graveyard attack them)
RIHGA: "They're Japanese zombies, so they want brains-aru."

(As Tasuki kills the zombies)
Tasuki: I figured this would happen.
DREW: “Yeah, I figured a bunch of zombies would pop out of the ground.”

(Tamahome puts on the new clothes that Yui's given him)
RIHGA: “He's becoming one of them!”
EVERYONE: (Chants) "One of us, one of us..."

(Mitsukake appears)
ALICIA: “Look, it's a disgusting hobo!”
RIHGA: “Let's throw things at him!”

(As Mitsukake is defeating the sickness-demon in Shouka)
ALICIA: “You know, Mitsukake actually has a personality in this episode.”
RIHGA: “Yeah, but when you see a tentacle-mouth monster burst out of your dead lover's back... you don't come back from that. He's pretty much dead on the inside now.”

(Mitsukake joins the group)
DREW: “All right! They found the white mage for their party!”

MIAKA: (trying to comfort Mitsukake) "You see? Shouka-san is so..."
DREW: "Dead."

When the random Kutou assassins first showed up, I remarked that the first one was named Steve (no doubt because I had been watching far too much Yu-Gi-Oh Abridged that month). Then I assured everyone as a few others - who looked exactly alike - showed up, that "they are also named Steve." So we've taken to calling the random Kutou assassins Steve... to the point where, when theys how the one up in the tree during the episode where Amiboshi appears, we all shouted as one: "STEEEEEVE!" He's kind of become our favorite character.

(As Amiboshi plays his flute and the bats start smacking into the trees)
"Oh no, the bats caught retarded from Miaka!"

DREW: “Wow, they found the seven warriors a lot faster than I thought they would.”
RIHGA: “Yeah... Actually, only the first 26 episodes are about gathering the seishi and summoning Suzaku. The last 26 are just Miaka and Tamahome staring deeply into each other's eyes.”
DAREN: “So that's why it's a Challenge!”

ALICIA: “You guys, stop making ejaculation jokes!”

ALICIA: (leans over and whispers to Rihga) “Can't you just imagine Chichiri and Nakago singing Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better, to each other?”

(After Tasuki gets the crap beaten out of him thanks to Miaka's idiocy [grr])
MIAKA: "Tasuki! Speak to us!"
DAREN: (as Tasuki) "You're... a bitch."

"How'd that happen?"
"The power of his FEELINGS!"

Miaka: (to Tamahome as he's dying) "I've always, always loved you."
ALICIA: How long is "always" here?
DAREN: At any given moment for a teenager.

Character Observations
1. Chichiri = deus ex machina (Daren pointed this out, and he's sooo right)
2. Tasuki has no inner monologue
3. Nakago = creeper

Night Two Moral: Men can either love you by sharing their penis or by breaking your arm.

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Night Three: Episodes 23-31
(Or: the summoning ceremony to Ashitare's appearance)

The Viewing
ALICIA: "When Miaka gets older and her metabolism slows down, she's gonna be so fat."
DAREN: "That's why she has to fall in love now."

ALICIA: "Nakago's boots look really... odd. Are they made of snakeskin, or is that supposed to be dragon?"
RIHGA: "Actually, it was just a very sick goat."

ALICIA: (Yelling at Miaka) "Why do you like Tamahome more than Hotohori?!"
DAREN: "It's the hat."
ALICIA: "Yeah..."
RIHGA: "Or the shoes."
ALICIA: "Those stupid boat shoes!"
DAREN: "Hey, maybe that's what the hat is for! Maybe there's a little sail inside of it and he can pop it out and just go sailing around the pond!"

(Alicia grabs Rihga’s plush bear and plush badger)
ALICIA: "Ah... I feel that a hole in my heart has been filled."
RIHGA: "Yeah, I fill that hole with stuffed animals too."

(Alicia is talking about how much smarter she'd act if she'd been pulled into the UotFG)
ALICIA: "...And then afterward we could go eat Chinese food."
DAREN: "You're in China. You don't have much choice beyond Chinese food."
ALICIA: "I could eat Chinese people."

(After the failed summoning ceremony)
MIAKA: "I hate myself now."
TAIITSUKUN: "Hm. It seems you've matured a bit."
DAREN: “Maturity means hating yourself.”

(When Tama finds his murdered family)
DAREN: “You know what we should do this episode? Let's be as depressing as possible. What kind of things are depressing? Oh, dying toddlers are depressing. Let's have a dying toddler!”

(As Tamahome tearfully buries the ball that he bought for Yuiren)
DAREN: (whispers) “He's only burying it 'cause he didn't keep the receipt.”

(When Keisuke finds Miaka's hair in the book, and it catches on fire...)
DREW: “Wouldn't it be great if Miaka's hair caught fire, and then the book caught fire, and then the world caught fire?”
RIHGA: “And the next 26 episodes is just people running around going (waves arms around) OOOOOH, GOD! IT BURNS! QUICK, JUMP IN THE WATER! OOOOH GOD NO, THE WATER'S FIERY TOO!”

RIHGA: “Isn't it odd how Chichiri is absolutely useless when the plot needs him to be, and ridiculously strong when the plot needs him to be?”
DAREN: “It isn't odd when you realize his true form.”
BOTH: “Deus ex machina.”

The Evening’s Themes
1. I started to theorize that Miaka and Tamahome's relationship is entirely based off of lies and abuse. So any time they lied to one another, hit one another, called one another "dumb," etc., etc., I would point it out with a self-satisfied, "You see? Lies and abuse!" The sad part was that, once I started paying attention, I realized that my silly theory might have some validity to it.

2. After Nakago goes to Yui and tells her that he's already been gathering the seishi to her, it started this running joke about Useless Yui. Hence the following:
"Yeah... you go ahead and take care of things Nakago. I'm just gonna sit around in my slutty robe and bitch all day."

"Oh my God, she put on clothes! It's a busy day!"

YUI: "Go to... Hokkan...?"
"You mean I'm gonna have to actually do something!? Aw, son of a bitch!"

(And so on.)

The Evening’s Theme Song: “Sexual Healing”
"Suboshi's doing better."
"That's 'cause Yui gave him some sexual heeeealing."

"Miaka should cheer Tamahome up."
"With some sexual heeeeealing."
"Oh wait, she can't."

"Whoa, what's Soi doing to Nakago?"
"Um..."
"Sexual heeeeealing..."

(And so on.)

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Night Four: Episodes 31-42
(or: Nuriko's battle to entering the temple in Sairou)

Incidentally, these episodes constituted the only real part of the Challenge, as I've yet to find a person who could honestly say that they enjoyed the tedious, melodramatic story arc that fills the gap between Hokkan and Sairou (what I have lovingly dubbed, "The Rape-isodes"). Needless to say, we needed some intense Silly Comments to keep ourselves from throwing stuffed animals at the TV... and we still wound up doing that a few times, actually. But enough chatter! Let's get to the Night's Amusements!

The Viewing
(Ashitare shows up)
DREW: "Who's that?"
RIHGA: "One of the bad guys. You can tell because he's ugly."

(Nuriko talks about how, after he cut his hair, he started to see Miaka as a woman)
"So apparently one's sexuality is determined by one's hair length."

NURIKO: "I love Hotohori. I love Tama. I love Tasuki..."
DAREN: "Nuriko's a giant whore!"

(As Ashitare runs off to face Nuriko -- after Nakago has whipped the hell out of him)
"Ooooh, I bet he is in prime fighting condition!"

(Nuriko gets stabbed by Ashitare and everyone senses it)
CHIRIKO: "Did you feel that, Chichiri-san?"
CHICHIRI: "Something happened... to someone."
RIHGA: "Okay, now say that again, but be even more vague this time!"
DAREN: "Well, Chichiri knows everything that's happened and everything that will happen, but he can't say it. That wouldn't make him a very good plot device."
RIHGA: "Oh, so he's not even a character anymore? He's just a deus ex machina?"
DAREN: "Yeah, pretty much."

(As Nuriko staggers to the rock, dripping blood)
DAREN: "I wish my blood glittered. I could cut myself at raves and be the life of the party."

As Nuriko is getting ready to move the rock, Daren and Drew demand to know why he doesn't wait until the others get there and Mitsukake heals him, since dragging that boulder around is just gonna hurt him worse. I explain to them that Nuriko has no idea where the others are and doesn't know if he has time to wait... Which led to this:
NURIKO: (drops the rock out of the way and starts to collapse)
TAMA & MIAKA: "NURIKOOOOO!"
DAREN: (AS NURIKO) "Wow, I could've waited. Son of a bitch."

DREW: "Wait, why didn't Miaka and Tamahome bring the healer guy with them?"
RIHGA: "They thought they would be able to help on their own. With their love... and their Band-Aids."

(As Nuriko dies, and first Tama and then Miaka go Black-and-White from shock)
DAREN: "Little known fact: I also turn black-and-white when something sad happens to me. After my grandpa died, I didn't have color for a week."

DREW: "You can bring [Nuriko] back!"
CARA: "Just collect the Dragon Balls!"
DAREN: "In the meantime, Nuriko can train and just get stronger! It's a bonus!"

As Miaka kind of snaps, saying "No, Nuriko's not dead," I have to clap my hands to my mouth to keep from laughing hysterically and ruining the moment. Drew and Cara both look at me questioningly, but I shake my head and wave them back to the TV. Once the scene finally switches over to Nakago & Yui -- and isn't quite so intense anymore -- I pause it and say:
"Okay, so when Miaka was like 'Nuriko's not dead,' I had this image of her propping up Nuriko's head and moving her jaw up and down and saying around the corner of her mouth, 'That's right, I'm totally fine! How are you guys today?'"
And then we all started giggling.

(Miaka runs away from the tragedy)
DAREN: "Throw yourself off the cliff in a dramatic gesture!"

(As Tamahome remembers Nuriko's death in the next episode -- with far too many sparkles and bubbles)
DAREN: "That's not how it happened!"
RIHGA: "In Tamahome's memory, everything is sparkly."

(Miaka encased in ice)
RIHGA: "Well, it turns out she wasn't the Priestess after all! Surprise!"
DAREN: "Nuriko was!"

(Fake Taiitsukun tells Miaka that she can use bouchou-jutsu to drain Nakago's life force)
DAREN: "SHE'S A SEX VAMPIRE!"

(Tama finds Fake Taiitsukun)
DREW: "Oh man, I hope she tells him to have sex with Nakago, too!"

(Nakago uses his ki to pin Miaka to the side of his tent)
DREW: "It's almost as if there were a wall behind that tent."

(Amiboshi's adopted mother suggests that "Kai-Ka" marry Miaka)
HIS MOTHER: "...And now that you've killed that giant weasel..."
RIHGA: "That makes you a man!"
DAREN: "Maybe 'killing the giant weasel' is a euphemism for masturbation."

(As Amiboshi's adopted father is explaining how they found him...)
DAREN: "You know, they're kind of a creepy couple. (In old-man voice) 'A random boy washed up on our shore so we named him after our son and pretended he was the same person! Merhahaha!'"

(Miaka imagines Tamahome as she stares into the Forgetfulness Potion)
RIHGA: (AS TAMA) "I'm in your sooouuuup...!"

(EVERY time Tomo would use his feathers)
RIHGA: "Tiiiiiickle... tiiiiiiickle..."

(Tomo's feathers shoot out)
RIHGA: "Tickle!"
(And stab Tamahome through the chest)
RIHGA: "Oh! No tickle."
DAREN: "I''m ticklish there. You know, in my innards. I believe that's a lung and... a kidney..."

DREW: "I like Tomo. He's funny."
RIHGA: "Wow, Drew, you're kinda fucked up."

(In the Illusion World, "Aono" tells Miaka he needs to go home and keep studying)
DAREN: (AS AONO) "If my parents catch me not studying they will flay me."

AONO: "I'll never let go of you."
RIHGA: (AS MIAKA) "What if I have to pee?"
DAREN: "He might like that. Tomo's a big freak."

(Sadly, the joke of this next one is lost since I can't find a screenshot of the hat Miaka is wearing. But while she and "Aono" are heading back to his house in the Illusion World, she's wearing this flat-yellow-thing on her head, and...)
RIHGA: "Something died on her head. (pause; considers it) I think it's a pancake. A pancake died on her head."

(Tama is lying in a bed, writhing in pain from Tomo's illusion. Tokaki comes up to break the spell by doing…)
RIHGA: "Titty twister!!"

(As Miaka and Aono/Tomo are about to do the deed, she starts recalling the library, and 'something' that happened there...)
DAREN: "I think it's a sign that you shouldn't be having sex if you're thinking about the library!"

(Amiboshi and Suboshi are reunited)
AMIBOSHI: (to his brother) "I didn't forget about you..."
DAREN: (as Amiboshi) "...I just, didn't really care."

(Nakago is speaking with Miboshi as a few Kutou assassin hover in the background)
DREW: "Wait -- is that Steve?"
RIHGA: "Oh, yeah, it looks like Steve is back. Awesome!"
DAREN: "You know, I think that's what the problem was with these last few episodes: A severe lack of Steve."

DAREN: "This entire thing has been nothing but a giant cocktease!"

(As Tamahome "breaks up" with Miaka in Sairou)
DREW: "WHAT?!"
DAREN: "Step on his dick, Miaka!"

Night Four Moral: No One Ever Dies From Falling Down an Extremely Deep, Dark Hole
This one' s got a bit of a story behind it. Now as fellow FY-watchers will know, the Rape-isodes tend to get a little tedious as well as a little ridiculous. With a runaway Miaka, reunited long-lost twins, memory-alterating drugs, sex illusions, tickle-feathers, and giant weasels around every corner, it starts to feel like a Soap Opera from Hell. Eventually it got to the point where, when Miaka is running away from Tamahome (AGAIN!) and she slips and falls down the ravine, Daren finally just threw a stuffed animal at the screen and shouted:

"Are you fucking kidding me?! She fell down a fucking hole?!"

Hole-falling, as it turned out, became the night's ongoing theme, as the same thing later happens to Tamahome...
"Wait, he's okay? He's not even banged up?"
"Nah, he's fine. He just fell into a hole."
"How did those people find him, anyway? Do people just wander around at the bottom of holes looking for people who fell into them?"

...And, as Miaka stands at the edge with Suboshi attempting to - surprise! - take her virginity, she promises herself that she'll jump and die before she lets that happen.
"Oh, come on, Miaka! Everyone knows falling down a hole won't kill you!"

...And finally, when Tamahome returns, ready to kick ass and take names...
"Wait. Did he fall down that hole and come back to fight all in one night?"
"Well, yeah."
"I mean, come on. He just fell down a hole. It's not like anything dangeroushappened to him."

So, there you go. When you're uncertain how to escape your arch enemy, just drop yourself down a hole. Because, as FY has taught us, you'll be fiiiiine.

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Night Five: Episodes 43-52
(Or: The Sairou Temple to the TV Finale)

Summary Notes (for the sake of the newcomers)
CARA: "...And the book, like, eats the two girls..."

CARA: "...And they find out that they can't be together."
RIHGA: "Because the priestess has to be a virgin."
ALICIA: "Which apparently means they can't do anything together."
RIHGA: "Just furiously dry-hump, dammit!"

The Running Gags
Predictably, every time Tetsuya appeared, we had a tendency to start singing "I wear my sunglasses at night."

We decided that Tatara was Poison Ivy. Literally. He has the costume and everything.

Running Question: Why didn't they just wish for Nakago to be dead? It really would have solved all their problems...

The Viewing
(Yui appears)
RIHGA: "There's the bitch."
ALICIA: "Bitch."
DREW: "Bitch."
DAREN: "Flaming bitch."

(Suzuno's grandson shows up)
DAREN: "Lex Luthor?!"
(and yes, that remained his nickname)

(Miaka & Yui, reunited, hug in front of Tatara)
ALICIA: "And Tatara's thinking, 'I'm still tied up over here, bitches!'"
DAREN: "No, he's thinking, 'Now smell her hair. That's right...'"

TATARA: "I age faster on the inside."
RIHGA: "That's right. His insides are now liquid."

(As Tatara is discussing first his love with Suzuno)
RIHGA: (as Tatara) "...But then she left, got married, had kids, and I spent the next 90 years alone in a shrine. (Pause; as myself) Wow. No one masturbates as much as Tatara."

TATARA: "We couldn't be together."
ALICIA: "You just didn't love each other enough."
RIHGA: "Love harder!!"
DAREN: "Sometimes I love myself so hard it bruises."
ALICIA: "...Daren, I'm going to throw you out the window."

(Suzuno & Tatara are reunited in death)
ALICIA: "Now they can go to heaven together."
DAREN: "No, they're in hell."

KEISUKE: "They're happy together."
DAREN: "No, now they're burning in eternal fire."

(Keisuke sobs over Tatara & Suzuno)
"Also: Keisuke is kind of a puss."

(Miboshi possesses Chiriko)
MIBOSHI: "Children are especially easy to enter..."
EVERYONE: "AAAAAAAAGH!"

CHIRIKO: "Tasuki, use your fire on me!"
TASUKI: "You're talkin' crazy."
DAREN: "Yeah, whatchu talkin' 'bout, Chiriko?"

(Chiriko stabs self)
DAREN: "Hey, he cut the bitch out of him, too."

(Nakago kisses Tama)
EVERYONE: "WHAT?!"
(Nakago kicks Tama back down the stairs)
RIHGA: "Just so you know, Nakago didn't actually kick him -- that was just his penis springing erect."

(After meeting Houki)
HOTOHORI: "She does look a lot like Nuriko."
RIHGA: "Think there might've been some unconscious thought at work there?"
ALICIA: (AS HOTOHORI) "I loved Nuriko, I just wished he had a vagina. And now he does!"

NAKAGO: (holding up Shin) "This was all that was left of Tomo."
RIHGA: "Ooooh, I bet his body was eaten by wolves."

(During the war)
DAREN: “You know Nakago's badass. He's got a dragon for a helmet.”
(Later, when they show the helmet from above)
RIHGA: "Actually Daren, his helmet isn't a dragon, his helmet is being humped by a dragon."

YUUKI MOM: "Keisuke! Phone for you!"
KEISUKE: "It must be Tetsuya."
ALICIA: "Because that's the only friend he has."
ALL: "Aw..."

(As Keisuke, Miaka, and Tama are walking around Shibuya)
KEISUKE: (looking at Tama) "No shadow..."
RIHGA: "He's a vampire!"
DAREN: "Quick! Get him inside before he starts glittering!"
(HA-ha... Twilight reference.)

(As Mitsukake is working on a patient and all we see is his back)
RIHGA: "They can't animate this part. It's too hot for TV."
DREW: "No, they just can't animate it."

(During a series of flashbacks showing Tama & Miaka hugging while Miaka is naked)
RIHGA: "Tamahome's seen Miaka naked a lot. His self-control is obscene."
DAREN: "I think he might be a eunuch."

RIHGA: "You know Alicia, as much as I love this show, from an objective perspective, nothing in it makes any sense."
(As the spirits of Tama's siblings hold down Suboshi)
DREW: "What?!"
DAREN: "You're right Rihga, nothing in this show makes any sense."

CARA: "Aw. I liked Suboshi."
DAREN: "He murdered children!"
CARA: "But he really loved Yui."
DAREN: "Okay, he murdered children and fell in love with bitches!"

(Regarding Hotohori's armor)
ALICIA: "He has golden nipples!"
NATHAN: "It's like the royal seal."
RIHGA: "He actually dips them in ink and presses them into official documents."

(After Tama's fight with Suboshi)
KEISUKE: "There's some internal bleeding."
DAREN: "How does he know there's internal bleeding?"
RIHGA: "He pressed down on him and there were squishy noises."

ALICIA: "Do you think Tetsuya will look back on all this and think, 'Oh God, that was the year I wore sunglasses all the time!'"
DAREN: "Yeah, it won't be 'the year of the magic book.' It'll be 'the year I wore sunglasses.'"

(Tama decides to go back without Miaka)
TAMAHOME: "I'd like to write her a letter."
DAREN: "Yes, break up with her in a letter."
ALEX: "You could also send her a text."

(Yui  & Miaka meet on the school's roof)
DAREN: "Why do Japanese schoolgirls always meet on rooftops?"
RIHGA: "So that if something really bad happens they can just fling themselves off the edge."

(Yui's scales)
ALICIA: "That's some bad psoriasis."

(Nakago's in Kutou palace... with Soi)
ALICIA: "He's still carrying Soi around!"
ALEX: "He could at least fashion a bag to put her in!"
DAREN: "Like a papoose."

ALICIA: "Why does Miaka cry every time Tamahome kisses her?"
DAREN: "He's really, really bad at it."

(Yui sees scales on legs)
YUI: "No...NO!"
RIHGA: "I've got to get better LOTIOOOOOOON!"

(Tamahome & Nakago fight... with REALLY bad animation)
NATHAN: "Sorry guys, we couldn't afford to animate the fight. We spent all the money on bubbles and sparkles and nipple shields."

(Nakago licks Tamahome)
NATHAN: "He had a very kitten-like tongue. Which I found erotic."

(Tama gets blasted through a wall, all his armor and shirt getting shredded in the process)
ALEX: "Wow. His pants are really intact."

NAKAGO (TO YUI): "...Don't break your promise to me. Otherwise I'll have to break my promise to you."
RIHGA: "Also your arms."
NATHAN: "'Promise' is actually Japanese for 'arms.'"

(Seiryuu appears)
RIHGA: "The people of Tokyo -- not that surprised."
DAREN: "They were actually more confused when there were fires and no monster."

PERSON ON STREET: "It's a dragon!"
NATHAN: "No, it's General Sherman, the world's oldest tree!"

(Chichiri appears)
NATHAN: "That monk guy looks like Farfetch'd... and it makes me happy."

(In Tama's dream world)
TAMA'S DAD: "When you're my age, you'll understand."
NATHAN: "The age of being dead."

(Nyan-Nyans appear out of the bubbles)
"The bubbles are people! PEEEEEEOPLE!!"

MIAKA: "...I'll do things because I want to..."
"So all those people died just so you could believe in yourself!?"

MIAKA; "It was the greatest book I've ever read."
RIHGA: (as KEISUKE & TETSUYA) "Which is great 'cause you never fucking read it! We did, bitch!"

KEISUKE: (to his Mom) "They say there comes a day when a girl's eyes are suddenly opened."
DAREN (AS KEISUKE): "I put porn on her desk."

YUI: "Nakago and I were so much alike."
DAREN: "I would not be friends with her after she said that."

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Final Night: Oni OVAs I & II

The Moste Glourious Conclusioun, In Whiche Three Enthusiastic Ladies and Two Unsuspecting Fellowes Take on the “Oni OVAs” (even the first three, which Rihga thinks are a completely pointless waste of time but the boys insisted that we watch from the start because they wanted to imply that I wasn't willing to take the entire challenge with them, those ninnies).

Hear Ye, Hear Ye... And Let Us Beginne.

The Viewing: OVA I

(on Miaka)
ALICIA: “If I gave birth to that I would send her back.”
DREW: “I'd just leave her in the woods and hope she got raised by wolves.”
RIHGA: “It might help her intelligence.” 

(upon finding out that the Emperor is Hotohori's grandson)
RIHGA: “It's his grandson and he still looks exactly like Hotohori? That's a lotta inbreeding going on.”
DAREN: “Nah, they just killed the ones that weren't pretty enough.”

 
(the emperor finds out that Tamahome is a “fake”)
RIHGA: “You made the emperor sad!”
DAREN: “For that, a thousand lashings!”

 
TAMAHOME: “My hand can still feel Miaka's warmth.”
RIHGA: “Don't ask which part of her he still feels.”
DAREN: “...VAGINA!”

 
(after the Tomo-illusion lady tells Tama to have his way with her)
TAMA: “Please leave.”
RIHGA: “But she's already naked. He's just being rude.”

 
(So Daren started calling Takiko's grandson (the monk) Lex Luthor because he couldn't remember his name. Also, the man's eyebrows have fascinated us since he showed up. Which led to the following, which happened while Tomo-illusion lady's eyebrows were twitching nervously.)
DAREN: “Her eyebrows look like they're trying to break free.”
RIHGA: “They're trying to join Lex Luthor's eyebrows – in Eyebrow Paradise!”

NAKAGO: “They gave [Tamahome] kodoku.”
RIHGA: “Oh, no! He's gonna turn into Bizarro Tamahome again!”

DREW: “You can't fight Nakago! He's a ghost!”
RIHGA: “They could disperse his soul back into the nether regions. Chichiri's a monk. That's kind of his job.”
DAREN: “He can disperse his soul into my nether regions any time.”

(Tama is having a flashback of mourning at his family's grave)
ALICIA: “Geez, he just threw them all into one hole. How lazy is that?”
DAREN: “He probably chopped them into bits first so he wouldn't have to dig very far.”

MIAKA: “Thank you, everyone!”
DAREN (as Miaka): “Except you, Mitsukake. You're a bitch.”

The Viewing: OVA II

RIHGA: (explaining the plot) “Taka has to get his balls back so he can be a complete man again.”

(Renhou asks Yui if he can walk her home. She declines, and as she goes down the stairs the window behind her shatters)
DREW: “She was like 'No,” and he was like 'GLASS!'”

CHICHIRI: “The war is becoming ancient history.”
RIHGA: “Except, you know, for all the dead family and loved ones.”

(Boshin meets Miaka)
DAREN: “Bite her! Nom nom, kid!”

(after Hotohori possesses Boshin)
MIAKA: “You're a real father, Hotohori!”
DAREN: “Real fathers possess their children.”

(Hoto-Boshin and Houki are reunited)
DAREN: “Put it in your mom-wife! Your wife...mom. Your...”

(Hoto fights off the demon)
HOTO: “Now begone!”
DREW: “He shall not pass.”

HOUKI: “Heika?”
HOTO: “You can see me?”
DAREN: “Cause she just died.”
ALICIA: “Yeah, good job, you killed her, too.”

(Boshin sees Hotohori)
DREW: “How does he recognize him as his dad?”
DAREN: “You remember the people who have been inside you.”

(Boshin runs through Hotohori)
ALICIA: “That's so sad!”
RIHGA: “I know! Why would they put ducky shoes on a little kid?”

(Boshin starts crying)
DAREN: “Oh, you gonna cry, huh? Cry, little bitch!”

(Hoto, possessing Taka, holds Boshin)
“And for the rest of forever he's going to think Taka is his dad.”

(the Memory Jewel comes out of Boshin)
“Gah, don't touch it! Rinse it off first!”

(Friend Drew is starting to get rather drunk)
RIHGA: “If you can't remember the challenge you don't get your Pocky.”
DREW: “...Bitch.”

(Miaka falls from the sky, caught by Tasuki)
“Miaka-torpedo!”

(After Tasuki's horse gets killed by the snake)
DAREN: “A dead horse? Beat it!”

(Miaka sucks the poison from Tasuki)
ALICIA: “Ew.”
DAREN: “Hot!”
ALICIA: “And now Miaka has hepatitis.”

(Miisu shows up, very naked)
EVERYONE: “NIPPLES!”

(Miaka attacks Tenkou)
RIHGA: “You know, Miaka actually has priestess powers. I dunno why she never uses them.
(Tenkou starts laughing)
DREW: “Apparently they tickle.”

(Tasuki uses his tessen on himself)
MIAKA: “Tasuki is... Tasuki is...”
DREW: “On fire!”

(After Hikou shows up)
MITSUKAKE (to Chichiri): “You're not alone this time. All of us are here to support you.”
DAREN: “And with our support you can kill him again!”

(Hikou & Miaka together)
ALICIA: “Man, he can see right up her skirt.”
DAREN: “She should really just stop wearing clothes. Everyone gets a look at her private bits at some point.”

(Yui in the bathtub)
“Mooooore naked!”

(Chichiri grabs Hikou from behind)
DAREN: “Hug it out! Hug it out, bitch!”

CHICHIRI (to Hikou): “You're my dearest friend even now.”
DAREN: “And Tasuki starts crying in the corner.”

(Tamahome shows up, leaving Miaka with both a Taka and a Tama)
ALICIA: “They could have... never mind.”
DAREN: “An awesome threesome?”
ALICIA: “...Yeah...”

(Keisuke punches Taka)
RIHGA (as Keisuke): “If you act like a bitch I'm gonna treat you like one of my bitches!”

(Taka goes all bubbly)
RIHGA: “It's gonna be a bubble-off!”

(Tama fires a shot at Taka, and the lights go all flashy)
DAREN: “Let me guess: Miaka jumps in the way and then Tamahome freaks out 'cause he killed Miaka?”
RIHGA: “Wow, Daren, you could write the script!”
DAREN: “I could pee better scripts than this.”

(about to fight Tenkou)
MIAKA (or is it Taka? Meh.): “With each step a person takes, they become that much stronger.”
DAREN: “Then you're screwed, 'cause that dude's been walkin' for 1000 years!”

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And thus ended the OVAs. We decided to leave out Eikoden 'cause it was getting late and the boys were dragging a little, and besides, it's more like an extra story anyway. My Challengers received their first box of Pocky, the girls enjoyed another fluff-filled rewatching of one of their favorite (but honestly, not very good) shojo anime, and... well, the next day we all promptly detoxed by marathoning The Lord of the Rings, which may very well be the anti-FY. (Heheh.) And thus all was right with the world once more.