Public Enemies
Reviewed by Rihga

Director: Michael Mann
Runtime: 140 minutes
Release Date: 1 July, 2009

Man-boys of the world, take note: There is nothing sexier than a man in a suit and a fedora. Johnny Depp, playing bank robber John Dillinger, could melt the rubber on your tires in this action/adventure/suspense old-fashioned gangster flick. When he looks out from beneath the brim of his hat, a devilish smirk twitching at the corner of one tanned lip, everyone – straight men and women, gay men and women, even the occasional goat romancer – will forget how to breathe. When he is joined by Christian Bale, sporting a gray suit and a matching fedora, you may have to ask your neighbor for a towel. They're smokin' so hot they just set off the sprinkler system.

Oh, and the music was fantastic, the cinematography was unnecessarily jerky, and the story a little slow-paced but speckled with moments of action that were loud and intense. Depp was phenomenal, and in other news water is wet. Bale gives a solid performance, and Marion Cotillard really shone as Billie Frachette, Dillinger's love interest. The sex scene between the two of them was done tastefully yet sensually, focusing just the right amount of time on Depp's heaving chest, his rising hips, his sweat-slicked arms...

...Okay. I'm gonna level with you. I don't actually remember what happened in Public Enemies. I recall some gunfire, a fair amount of blood, and a couple of scenes so dark that I was a little afraid something had happened to the video. Then the camera would shakily focus on a man in a fedora and I would stop caring about the story again. In retrospect, Johnny (our Johnny, not the one in the long black coat with the fuck-you-gently gaze) probably should have written the review for this one. Well. Meh. Live and learn.

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Fatty Gets the Hose: This movie reminded me of a fact that I must never again forget: Do not trust the chubby cop. I know you have self-esteem issues and all, Mr. No-Chin, but seriously. Giant douche.
Don't Forget Your Dramamine: I wasn't joking about all the jerky cameras. If the director was going for some kind of “gritty COPS” feel, then he failed. Hold the camera steady so I can actually see what the hell is going on in all those shootouts, ya bastahd.

Final Grade: After I wiped the drool off my chin and started thinking objectively again, I decided that the movie, despite some flaws, was actually quite good. The pacing could have been better, but the excellent acting makes it worth seeing in theaters. B+

~R