In the world of comic books the X-men reign from a lofty throne. Much like the Simpsons when it comes to humor there is no super power that at least one of the X-men can't shoot out of their ass. Not only that but it seems like every one of those bastards has a background story more complicated then a twelve side rubix cube. Each of various facet of their lives plays out on each illustrated page like a kick ass version of Days of Our Lives. With so many X-men running around with mind blowing amounts of power it is shocking that Al Gore hasn't seen fit to make a documentary illustrating the dangers posed when teen/senile old man angst is combined with world ending power. Yet, though half the comics seemed to be filled with super powered heroes wandering around like characters from The Breakfast Club, imagine how it felt to be one of the not awesome mutants.

BACKGROUND: Spike was the token angry black guy in the X-men universe. His hatred of all things white knew no bounds and upon meeting one of the black leaders of X-Force he accused him of being a coconut (black on the outside, white on the inside) and ended up getting himself kicked off the team. Luckily for Spike he was able to, I shit you not, score an appearance on a very special episode of Larry King Live. Public demand was so large that he became the defacto new member anyways, despite Captain Coconuts complaints. Needless to say having a Black Panther with a team of mutants who were defenders of corporate America was a bad idea. Spike when asked to go after the Bush Rangers, guess who just got an idea for a fantasy themed porno, decided that instead of that he would go help his fellow black mutants who were fighting with the Bush Rangers.* Of course, all treachery must be punished and this betrayal directly led to the death of the not so beloved Spike. His last words upon his death were..."I could never respect a race of people that actually find Seinfeld funny."

*Unfortunately this was not the Bush Ranger that needed to be brought to justice.

WHY IT IS USELESS: Well, this one isn't totally useless which is why Spike is first on the list. However, keep in mind that in the X-Men universe the heroes don't go up against the run of the mill bad guys. Instead they go up against such things as Magneto and Galactus Devourer of Worlds; things that control the power cosmic or at the very least wear spike proof body armor. All in all Spikes superpower made him about as dangerous as "guy with lots of bullets" and much less dangerous then "guy in armored vehicle with rocket launcher." It is for that reason that I cut him a lot of slack. I mean he might be an aggressive dick but hey who wouldn't be after listening to Professor X try for hours to convince you that your nickname should be Porcupine.

BACKGROUND:
Gentle, Nezhno to his friends, is another ethnic X-men but unlike Spike he is not on a mission to save his race from "the Man." He is one of the few X-men to retain his powers after the M-Day story arc and is an actual member of the Xavier Institute. In fact, there is not a whole lot of funny things to say about Gentle he is an all around good guy who cares deeply about his friends, allies and only shows disrespect when he disobeys a direct order from Headmaster Scott Summers.

Above: Scott Summers displaying his O face.

POWERS: Gentle can increase his muscle mass to superhuman levels. He can at a moments notice go from mild-mannered Nezhno friend to animals and bald white cripples, to a muscle bound Hulk clone capable of lifting 100 tons over his head.

Above: Scott Summers as the most irresponisble headmaster since Dumbledore.
Here's a hint: I don't think the giant man beast you brought into the field of battle is interested/capable of playing nice.

WHY IT IS USELESS: At first Nezhno's powers sound like the shit. He can grow to tremoundous sizes and make Scott Summers piss his pants at will. Not only that but he also has badass glowing tattoos that seem to light up like some kind of Hulk alarm system every time he gets pissed off. Yet, when you realize the other purpose those tattoos serve, a glaring flaw becomes apparent. See, those tattoos aren't just there to let you know when the small friendly man next to you is preparing to feast on broken bones and blood. Instead they serve to restrain his powers. Not just because Nezhno is the biggest hippie in the X-men, excluding Wolverines controversial views that everywhere is his toilet, but also because his powers can kill him.

That's right folks due to the X-men writers feeling that a world inhabited by mostly benevolent super mutants should be realistic, Nezhno's vast increases in size and muscle mass put tremendous strains on his heart, lungs, and massive tissue damage. Oh, his powers also cause him to have seizures. Imagine there Gentle is, hulked out one minute while battling the mutant armies of Magneto, and the next minute he is in a much more personal battle to keep from swallowing his tongue. So yes Gentle can cause some balls to the wall damage but with the nasty side effect of death.

Oh if only Seizure Man was Marvel Canon.

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Real Name: Barnell Bohusk

Codename: Beak

Above: ...Fuck I don't even know. Like uh...usually I would make a joke about fucking chickens but...uh...shit. That is one ugly-looking bastard.

BACKGROUND: Barnell Bohusk developed his powers at puberty, the same time us normies begin to smell and sprout hair in strange places, and came to the Xavier Institute as a young man. There he befriended Beast before some psychic treachery caused him to beat his mentor with a baseball bat. I'm going to go ahead and stop right there and say that no matter how badly I make fun of this guy, and I assure you it will be a lot, he still gets points for having giant testicles. Keeping in mind that he lacks any kind of super strength he went up against THE BEAST with a baseball bat.

A bunch of other stuff happens including knocking up a pretty fucking hot chick, which given how he looks should count as a super power, and then feeling guilty about it. In fact, it seems that throughout most of his appearances Beak goes out, does something, and feels bad about it for the next forty-five minutes. It is like a damn episode of 7th Heaven except instead of the smiling face of a perfect child it was the horribly disfigured face of an affront against God. I don't even mean that in a funny way. I am pretty sure that if God saw Beak his first reaction would be to go Blaarrgghhh, and then flood whatever planet could spawn such an abomination. Surprisingly the power of divinity does not get involved and Beak spends much of his time walking the thin line in between being creepy and setting up residency in the fucking bizarro universe.

POWERS: Well if there is a just God, Beak has to have some bad ass abilities to go with his incredibly fucked up face. Maybe some super agility or perhaps mental control over all things chicken. Of course, seeing as Beak is on this list, he possess no such thing. In fact, in a move to relate to all the ugly useless people out there the X-men writing staff decided not to even grant him the ability to fly. Instead, he has all the powers of a chicken. In fact when asked about his powers I imagine Beak responding with, "well...I have hollow bones, so that is like you know pretty cool, um...I'm covered in feathers and got like really big creepy eyes, oh and...I have a semi Beak that I can you know peck stuff with." One can even see Beak then proudly raise himself up and proceed to peck at anything shiny in the room as tears of shame slowly roll down his hideous face. Of course, perhaps I am too hard on the little guy seeing as he is responsible for the funniest moment in Marvel history. While in a fight with the overwhelmingly awesome Magneto, Beak finds himself trapped in a car that Magneto launches into the air. Using his astounding chicken-like intellect Beak pecks his way out and then, in what historians say is the funniest thing ever, attempted to fly only to land flat on his beak. When asked why he didn't finish him Magneto responded with, "I thought it would be best to let him die from the crippling despair."

Above: A Peeping Tom's greatest wish

BACKGROUND: With a name like Jonah Van Helsking one has to ask whether or not you even need a codename. It is the name that summons to my mind the image of a man aboard a ship fighting a tremendous vampire whale. As he delivers the killing blow he dives from his ship, rolls onto the whale's back, and begins to skin it in an ceremony designed to keep the forces of evil at bay. Sadly, Longneck is not a slayer of vampire whales nor any kind of undead aquatic creatures. To the contrary Longneck has little to no backstory. His existence within the X-men universe was limited to a few issues, where he had about as much dialogue and development as the offspring of a red shirt from the Starship Enterprise and a student at Sunnydale High.

WHY IT IS USELESS: Uh...I did go over that most of the mutants in the X-Men verse at the very least are as dangerous as a well-trained U.S. Marine Sniper and at best can shrug off a nuclear holocaust, right? Therefore one can only imagine the taunting Longneck received his first day on the Xavier Institute School bus. Too freakish for normal bathrooms and not terrifying enough for the kind of accommodations the Xavier janitorial staff had to design for Beak's toilet, Longneck always felt like an outcast. Luckily he didn't have to suffer for long. Shortly after the events of M-day, Longneck lost his ability to hold up his own hefty neck weight and with a lethal cracking sound Longneck collapsed to the ground. I like to think that upon his death mankind and mutants both put away their differences and united. Instead of focusing on all the ways that longnecks, tank-crushing ubermen, deformed chicken monsters, and smart-mouthed teens with penetrating wood powers are different from us, the focus is placed on how they are still better then the ghoulish Narwhales who forever haunt humanity's darkest dreams.