And now, Rihga's bite-sized breakdown of 2011's predictable Oscar extravaganza...

The 83rd Annual Academy Awards have officially been named Most Awkward Award Show of the Century. You'll see.

~Upon James Franco's recommendation, the green room is transformed into a hot box for the night's festivities. Many glassy eyes and delayed "witty retorts" follow.

~Kirk Douglas cops a feel on Best Supporting Actress Melissa Leo shortly after she drops a Fuck-bomb on national television. She excuses herself by claiming she's "still in character." Kirk Douglas needs no excuses, because he's Kirk fucking Douglas.

~After accepting the award for Best Supporting Actor, Christian Bale and the animal sleeping on his chin get into a fight about who should get to take the Oscar home. When Bale threatens it with a razor, it turns on him, devouring a third of his chin and 80% of his accent. Bale is in serious but stable condition. The animal has fled into the night.

~Colin Firth wins Best Actor. Thanks to Geoffrey Rush's meticulous training, he doesn't stutter once during this acceptance speech.

~The Social Network gets snubbed in favor of The King's Speech for both Best Director and Best Actor. In a joke that everyone saw coming, Rihga of NoCommas writes, "David Fincher immediately defriended the entire Academy, shortly after updating his status to Fincher did 8,000 takes for this? FML."

~Toy Story 3 wins Best Animated Picture. Now every room at Pixar studios has a matching doorstop.

~Thanks for Playing... Films nominated for multiple categories that got thoroughly ignored: The Kids Are All Right (a comedy, and the lesbians weren't depraved sex fiends?! Be on your way, madams); True Grit (alcoholism is so last century; come back when you're a cuh-cuh-cocaine addict, Mr. Bridges); Winter's Bone (if it had just marketed itself as a Travel Channel special on Missouri, it could've taken home Best Documentary!); and 127 hours (which would've done so much better at the box office if it had just called itself "90 Minutes of James Franco's Face"). Alas for them.

Overall it was fairly predictable stuff, but none of the winners were particularly undeserving either (except that Best Song winner. All-my-songs-sound-the-same Randy Newman wins over 127 Hours' "If I Rise"? Fuck you, Oscar). Lot of stiff competition this time around. It was a good year for movies, actually. Hell of a lot better than last year, anyway.

Loved the opening sequence with Franco and Hathaway, though Franco looked like he was checked out for the rest of the night. Hathaway was delightful, though. Next time they should get her up there with Get Smart co-star Steve Carell. (And holy crap, I think I just came up with the Best Idea Ever. Are you getting all this down, Academy?)

~R

My girlfriend has been showing me short stories from her fiction writing class. I wish she wouldn't. The writing is so bad that it verges on the impossible to describe. As I read these stories I cringe back as each sentence slams out of the page assailing my mind with a series of poorly plotted slaps. It hurts me deeply but at the same time I keep reading on, longing to devour the next horrid story. With titles like "Sex Therapy," and lines such as "a pimp don't cry," I'm not sure if the fact that I continue reading makes me a masochist or a sadist. All I know is I have a hard on which, as always, is fine by me.

On a more talented note I am just now finishing up the published portions of George R.R. Martin's Song of Ice and Fire series and feel the need to apologize for coming late to the party. The series is fantastic and I can't imagine being in the shoes of those people who have been waiting for over five years for the next book to come out. The series is one of those that has characters which you fall in love with and plot points that remain the locus of conversation for days on end. For those of you that are of a less then literary bent have no fear you can soon join the high fantasy/soap opera conversations by watching the new show coming out on HBO.

Nothing really to post in video game related news. I'm still waiting on Rhiga, the one with the deep pockets, to pick up the Playstation Move so I can finally join this new sensation that is shaking the globe. Right now it just looks like a funny shaped Wii controller. Hopefully it is because I would be loathe to admit that Sony actually did something that could appeal to a family audience.

I often wonder why the site doesn't get more hits. Then I look at the time it takes me to make a blog post and my wonder is replaced with a firm sense of knowing.

If any of you haven't checked out the Bioshock Infinite trailer yet it is a must see. The Bioshock games have always shined but what really makes them stand out is the dedication to depth that the game designers pour into them. Just within that ten minute trailer I saw around two dozen images that prompted a thousand questions in my head. Though I do have some concerns about the rail-shooter looking gameplay this game is shaping up to be a real work of art. In fact if the trailer is any indication BioShock Infinite may provide real current political commentary for one of the first times in video game history. In short...be excited about it.

In other news I have been playing a lot of Culdcept. A combination of Monopoly and Magic the Gathering the game threatens to destroy my life. Many are the days when I get all dressed up ready to go out and conquer the world only to jerk my hand away from the doorknob at the last second. I turn in a slow twisting motion my hand fighting to clench the doorknob and escape to freedom. I feel my mouth open against my will and words stream out of my mouth towards my friend, "Hey do you want to play Culdcept."

He looks back at me tears pouring down his face his body already moving away from his homework and towards the game system. "Sure," he says between sobs..."why not." Our eyes meet as he turns on the system and we both know that little will happen in our lives on this day; for when one plays the Game of Cepters they win or...they keep on playing until their fingers bleed.

It is really odd to be posting on my own blog. I suppose that is kind of a strange thing to write considering that literally hundreds of thousands of people have blogs and post on them constantly. Still it is strange owning this small place of my own in the vastness of the interwebs. Having my own place amidst the clanging of million of ideas being exchanged every minute is somewhat intimidating to say the least.

I could make political posts that attempt to shake the very basis of our civilizations. Perhaps I could write a vindicative post about the bitch at Arby's who seems obsessed with not giving me the sauce I asked for. If I so wished it I could even write about the very nature of art. However you are my fans, yes all three of you, and I know what brought you here to my little part of cyberspace:

"Q. How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass?
A. Very satisfying. "

Idiotic one liners :)

~Johnny